


Philophobia

by Ishileis27



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: F/M, Falling In Love, Romance, Secret Crush
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-31
Updated: 2016-03-31
Packaged: 2018-05-30 06:00:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,045
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6411709
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ishileis27/pseuds/Ishileis27
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Philophobia'[fear]] of falling in love or emotional attachment. The risk is usually when a person has confronted any emotional turmoil relating to love in the past but also can be chronic phobia.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Philophobia

  ** _I have a confession to make._**  

I think I have a crush on someone, _N_ _o! He's not just a someone...OK_ , I repeat, he's a **somebody**. I think I have a crush on this somebody and I hate it.

Ever since I was a young girl, I've always watched television dramas where guys with handsome faces always tend to be womanizers, they have this stupid ego where, because a lot of girls like them, they can easily have a change of girlfriends. It's annoying how they can do that, such players, they deserve to be hated, not adored.

I've told myself not to get involved with guys with pretty faces, they're all assholes, they will lure you by pretending to cherish you but the truth you'll just be their past time.

I've trained myself to be like that, ignoring them and not talking to them at all, I know they probably think I'm a bitch, I'm a snob and they probably have this " _She's lucky she got my attention"_ mantra but I don't care, I guess it's better than having my eyes red because of tears I shed for worthless men like them.

_**However, something happened...** _

"Hey! Hey! A good-looking guy is in our class!"

"Oikawa Tooru is in our class!"

"You know he's one of the cool volleyball players from Kitagawa Daichi."

So a good looking guy is in our class, that got all the girls riled up. I wanted to say something, I wanted to warn them about his type, but they'll probably glare at me and call me names, some might even think I just want this guy for myself.

"Kyaa! Here he is!"

Then I saw them all run towards the door, I turned my gaze away, I know I've made myself strong enough to temptations but  **prevention is always better than cure** , Not seeing him is a good way to avoid unnecessary connections, though I know there will be times when I'll need to interact with him but those chances will be rare, I know.

"Naomi, It's Oikawa! Look!" My friend kept shaking my shoulder, I tried to resist but suddenly my eyes turned to his direction. That's the first time I saw him, fixed brown hair, hazel eyes, charming smile, an over-all pretty boy.

Maybe it's natural for girls to have  hastened heart beat when they saw cute guys, or maybe its because of hormones or the natural order that men should be with women because I think my heart is _racing_ , I calmed myself and pondered, right now, he was smiling and probably flirting with all those girls flocking around him, I averted my eyes away from his side and tried to look at the window, this is probably just something that happens spontaneously, I don't need to worry at all. But somehow, I'm distracted and it's the first time in my life that I tried to steal a glance at a pretty boy, I was stopping myself, debating if I should look or not and it was a good thing the teacher came and I was saved from my dilemma.

It's first day of classes so we'll introduce ourselves, we're all first years and most of us came from different middle schools, lucky for me, I came with my friend here in Aoba Josai and we're classmates.

I introduced myself quickly and the teacher pointed me to my seat, when it's Oikawa's turn, I looked at my notes, however I glanced beside me and saw that the seat is still empty.

"Oikawa's seat will be..." the teacher's pause got me...how should I say it? Expectant? No...rather _nervous_ , he'll probably be seated beside me, somehow I feel heat engulfing me...this is due to the thought that he'll be beside me and that will mean we'll be talking with each other often, somehow that's...

"Over there." I looked up when our teacher pointed somewhere far left.

I was really thankful when I heard the teacher say that he'll be sitting at least 5 chairs away from me, that's a good way for avoidance, now I'm certain there won't be any unnecessary chatting with him, but somehow I feel quite reluctant, I guess its a normal response, after all he really is good looking and being acquainted with him is... _I'm contradicting myself._

Weeks passed and I haven't talked to him, but that's a good thing, it's making me used to his presence and I'm being desensitized with him. My friend says she thinks he's really awesome and she joined his fan club, she found new friends quickly, leaving me. Harsh.

I was quite alone when she's not with me, so my eyes searched for her, and then I found her with the other girls surrounding Oikawa. I sighed and then stared at him, this guy has everyone's attention, I didn't know I was staring for so long until his eyes met mine, those hazel-ones, then he smiled and that was it, I think I was struck by lightning, I quickly looked away, I know my face is redder than usual now.

_That's it, I probably had a crush on him. Nothing dangerous, this will subdue in no time._

* * *

_**I have a confession...I think I like a pretty guy...** _

They said he was a volleyball player, and he's very good. My friend tells me about his legacy in Kitagawa Daichi, about being a genius setter. I'm not a fan of ball games but my friend begs me to accompany her, and so... _I was dragged_.

I saw him play on the court, he's good, but I don't really understand the game and my eardrums are rupturing because of his fans' roar, though I should admit he looks cool, and that he seems like a different person on court, he looked manly and serious, unlike his flashy and flamboyant aura when in class.

I didn't know what happened or when I began cheering for them, a smile plastered on my face for every point they get, and I even jumped when they get a score! Maybe it's just the heat and blood rush caused by the game or my friend's probably contagious that's why I'm being like this. But, somehow it seems that even though I'm yelling for the whole team, my eyes were only looking at him, _What has gotten into me?_

When they won, my friend left me again and went with her club to run and congratulate Oikawa, somehow, deep in my mind I had this wishful thought, I want to approach him and congratulate him too, but he won't probably need that, there's a lot of girls there anyway.

"Don't you think he's cool?" My friend was pestering me again, she was mindlessly staring at him again, while our time was vacant.

"I guess he is." I answered that, referring to his volleyball play, my friend looked at me with eyes as wide as saucers. "What?"

"You like him too!" She accused, she mouths it loudly and with a smile that it attracted our class' attention. Somehow they got curious and their eyes were like **'She likes someone? Really?'**

"No, I don't." My friend asked the wrong question, _maybe...just maybe...I had a slight crush on him_.

"Well... it's you and your defiance with good men." She said. Right, I don't need someone now, especially someone like him, besides he probably has someone he likes already.

**If I remember correctly, it was a week after that game, when it really started...**

Our teacher assigned an hour as a self study period and gave us something to read, but I remembered submitting my science book, I went to the office but it wasn't there so I borrowed one at the library.

I was quite annoyed when I went back to our room, my mates are chatting with each other and my friend is missing again, I really had nothing to do that's why I started reading, I was about to flip a page when...

"Naomi-san?" I lift my head up when I heard someone call me. I glanced behind and was greatly surprised when I saw Oikawa. He was behind me, looking quite embarrassed. "I made a mistake, I got your workbook instead of mine."

"Eh?" I was awestruck a bit but regained my composure and tried to look not directly at his face. "Thanks."

"Here." He offered my book, I gave him a timid smile and reached for it quickly and placed it on my table, my eyes were looking elsewhere but I decided to gaze at him, _just a bit, just..._

My eyes were now looking at his, somehow I felt the world run in slow motion when we stared at each other, he even flashed me a bright smile, it was so genuine and pretty that it was making my insides churn.

After that contact, he went away and got back on his seat, talking with other guys. My eyes can't stop but concentrate at him, trailing him, looking at his back while he distanced himself away from me.

After that 'book' encounter, somehow he knew me, at least maybe he knows that we're classmates now. Before, I probably just pass through his peripheral vision. He smiles at me when he sees me enter the classroom or when we randomly saw each other on the hallways, and I'll give him a straight smile then quickly go away from him.

At times when I already see him close by, I pretend to be looking somewhere or rather, I focus on something like my phone or a book, and just wait for him to go or pretend that I never saw him, we're not friends, so I don't need to greet him all the time.

Somehow, I began to notice the small details about him, his flashy attitude, his weird bets with the guys and how friendly he actually is, maybe that's why everyone like him, I guess I became too judgmental, but that's better, actually what I'm feeling right now won't be beneficial for me, _but why can't I stop?_ I'm usually good at this.

One time, our teacher told me to carry some reports to his office, I never expected those reports to be quite...plenty, but a favor is a favor and it's my teacher who asked it, so I obliged. When I was in the hallway, I saw Oikawa in his training clothes, he probably washed his face since I saw him wiping with a towel.

He saw me and then waves a hand at me, again with his smile. I went with my usual response then quickly hid my face on the pile of papers and hastened my pace.

"Naomi-san! Wait up!" I don't want to stop, but my feet just ceased on their own, I wanted to move and stop anything that can make me talk to him but, here I am, looking at him as he jogs towards me, his smile still intact. "That seems heavy, I'll help you." Then his arms stretched out expecting me to give all of it to him.

"No its alright. I can do it."

"No seriously, let me help." He insists. "Its a good reason for me to say when Iwa-chan decides to hit me again for wandering around." He whispered, and he moved too close, causing me to feel restless, then I didn't realize that he already got the load off my hands. "Naomi-san? Where will I put it?"

"Ahhh. At sensei's office." I said, I don't want to, but maybe I can allow myself to just have this opportunity, once. "I'll go with you there."

While on our way, my head was bowed and it was really silent, I guess he noticed it so he asked me a weird question.

"Who do you think is cooler Pikachu or Charmander?"

"Huh?" And he laughed, probably because of my dumbfounded face, and then I looked down at my feet again to hide my embarrassment. On our very short journey together, he was really being funny and goofy, he suddenly called me 'Naomi-chan', which I guess is his way of getting close? I never got bored with that short time and I will treasure this memory, because this is the longest time I actually talked to him.

After that day, everything was the same, I'm alone in my chair and he's surrounded with girls, some were even from the other class, though this time, instead of looking at the window, I was looking at him, then he looked at me, with a handsome smirk and a mouthed 'Naomi-chan'.

Somehow, it breaks my heart. Because he's handsome, a lot of girls like him, and some of those girls are prettier than me, they will probably had more chance than I do. Because he's a good-looking guy, he has the liberty to choose among other beauty queens and make them his. He has no difficulty in stealing girls' hearts, but unconsciously, he has also no difficulty in breaking them too.

This is why I hate them, It's so easy to like them but I know, deep inside my heart, he will never like me.

* * *

**I have a confession...** but I will never say it, not to my friends and to him, so never mind this confession, It's futile anyway.

When I close my eyes, my world becomes weird, some daydreams and peculiar events happen. When I close my eyes, I see his smile and then I had some weird ideas like me and Oikawa on a date, he being sweet to me, the two of us, together, going some places...sometimes I even imagine him defending me from his fan girls.

I always hit my head somewhere when I see that. It's impossible and unrealistic, and it can also cause some expectations which are not going to happen.

When I see him around, I blush and my heart races wildly, I probably know the reason but because I'm scared, up to now I still deny it.

"I heard one girl confess to Oikawa." My friend said one time while we're having lunch. She got my full attention. "But he said no."

"Oh?"

"Yeah...you see, that girl looks really pretty and she's one of the head of our organization **'Oikawa's angels'** , heh." She smirked.

"You seem happy."

"Yeah...since Oikawa should belong to all of us."

"You know that's impossible. Someday, he'll like someone and will want to be with that girl." _and that girl is lucky._

"Well...yeah, but right now, he should belong to all of us." My friend said dreamily, and I sighed. Can't they just see how he will break their hearts? Don't they want to avoid this? Well, I think I'm being a **hypocrite** with what I'm saying.

One time, even without my friend's insistence I went watching one of his games, I know that its hard to admit but I think I am falling, and I wanted to back out but I know how hard it is to teach my heart, I wish I would've just adhered to my principles and followed what I had planned from the start.

Watching him actually hurts me, this lingering feelings controlling me, suffocating me, I want to talk to him, laugh with him, touch him or just stand by him. Its annoying how I ended up this way.

These feelings, if I can only dispose of them...If only I can easily find someone within my league, but that's impossible, I know having him will only be my wildest dream, this isn't like shojo mangas where they will end up together all the time, this is real life and that means we might be no more than friends, if we'll ever be.

The match ended with them as victors. I saw the team huddle up and give high fives to each other, I stood up getting ready to go, that was until he looked up and our eyes met, my heart skipped a bit, and then he grinned and waved a hand, I was surprised and was about to wave at him to, but I heard a loud 'We love you, Oikawa!' behind me.

I looked behind and then saw his fans waving at him. Right, who do I think I am? They were more close to him than me, I'm just someone he met not a long time ago. My heart sank, but this is reality, I should get used to this.

* * *

My friend and I were on the way to our classroom from our lunch break, she was telling me that she has moved on from Oikawa but she's still a fan, lucky her. I wish I could say the same, I wish I can tell her about my feelings, keeping them bottled up is a lot more toxic than I thought it will be.

Again, Oikawa was surrounded with a group when we passed by, my friend was quite enthusiastic to greet him, so she dragged me towards his crowd.

"Oikawa-kun!" She called, though we're still quite far from him, he glanced up and then waved a hand at my friend, then his eyes, again, found mine. Eyes are the windows to our soul they say, and I think our eyes always align with each other, but of course, our souls won't.

I know I should just awkwardly smile at him like usual but, I guess I do need to reciprocate his wonderful smile with my own, so...I did my best, and flashed him the brightest and cutest smile I could make, my mouth curving way lower than my usual replies to him, somehow I noticed a surprised expression, which was suddenly converted into a more happy one, after that I looked away, trying to normalize my heart beat.

I have a confession to make...but I probably won't do that, because I'm scared of being heartbroken, I'm scared of feeling that excruciating pain caused by rejection. So I will wait until I have that courage and until then.

**I have a confession to make, I love Oikawa Tooru.**

* * *

A/N: So what can you say? I know...it's not really related to Haikyuu and its quite personal, and it really is personal hahaha


End file.
